Mindful Matter
Integrity on trial.
We rarely talk about politics in our emails. Not because it's not important to us — in fact, it's something that Mike and I are very passionate about. Rather, it’s because we assume that, like us, your inbox and news feeds are already brimming with enraging headlines, divisive rhetoric, and disappointing outcomes. But it feels impossible to discuss this month's theme of Integrity without acknowledging recent events. The role of US Supreme Court Justice is not a typical government position. It is one where your moral compass has the ability to set legal precedent for the entire nation. It doesn't only require someone with deep knowledge and experience in the legal history of the nation but it requires someone who will stand up to protect the rights of its citizens. It was bad enough to see an accused sexual predator with a history of questionable decision-making nominated for this distinguished role. But then, judge Brett Kavanaugh turned his Senate confirmation hearing into an opportunity to accuse the Democratic Party of conspiring against him — despite the fact that the job in question is supposed to sit above partisan politics. With the lines of politics and justice so blurred and broken, it felt like the integrity of the nation was on trial. And the outcome was supremely disappointing. So where do we go from here? I asked myself the same question on November 9th, 2016. Today, I have a slightly different answer. Today, we prepare to vote. The midterm elections are on November 6th. Here is how we can prepare: Confirm you are registered (takes less than 30 seconds). Check if your friends and family are registered and, if not, help them register to vote. Find your local polling stations — or if you live in a state that has vote-by-mail, see if there’s still time to request a ballot. On your calendar, set aside a few hours on November 6th that you will dedicate to voting. Reach out to your friends and family to see if they want to go to the polls together. Show up in record numbers with millions across the country to vote in representatives with integrity. I still believe that love, understanding and compassion will help heal the growing divide that is festering in America. This month, let’s prepare to vote with integrity, expressing our values all the way down the ballot. Your vote is your voice — use it! Dave RadparvarCo-Founder, Holstee
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Personal, Permanent, Pervasive.
“While you can’t control your experiences, you can control your explanations.”– Martin Seligman Many things in life are outside of our control. But one thing that is within our control is how we explain the things that happen to us. This is known in psychology as our “explanatory style”. The language we use and the way we perceive our experiences — especially challenging ones — can have a lasting effect on who we become. Like many of life’s big lessons, understanding a concept is far easier than putting it in action. In Martin Seligman's book Learned Optimism, he offers three explanatory styles that we typically use when we recall experiences: Permanent, Pervasive and Personal. For each style, we can choose either an optimistic or pessimistic response. To understand these better, let’s use a recent example from my life. Just the other day, I walked onto my balcony after a week away and saw my tomato plant nearly dead. Here are the different explanatory styles my self-talk could adopt: Do I view this as permanent or impermanent? Permanent: “I’ll never have homegrown tomatoes.”Impermanent: “It didn’t work out this time, but there is is always next season.” Do I view this as pervasive or specific? Pervasive: “My tomato plant is like everything else in my life — all effort but no fruit!”Specific: “I may have lost that plant, but I still have a garden of herbs.” Do I view this as personal or external? Personal: “I just don’t have a green thumb.”External: “Maybe there wasn’t enough sun or the tomatoes needed more water while I was away or perhaps there are bugs sucking the life out of my plant.” (In my case, turned out to be those little bugs!) This is not to say that all situations should be met with unchecked optimism. Critical thinking can help us minimize future risks, put things in perspective, and generally learn, grow, and flourish. It’s a matter of knowing our explanatory styles and understanding how they shape our experience in the world — and in what ways they lead us astray. To growing with the garden, Mike RadparvarCo-Founder, Holstee P.S. We explore this concept a bit further in our Resilience Guide, along with the idea of kintsugi and a few exercises to help you reflect on how resilience plays a role in your life.
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Grief as a mirror.
Your grief for what you’ve lost lifts a mirrorup to where you are bravely working. Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,here’s the joyful face you’ve been wanting to see. Your hand opens and closes, and opens and closes.If it were always a fist or always stretched open,you would be paralyzed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding,the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds' wings. - Rumi, 13th Century Persian Poet In challenging times, it can feel like everything is falling apart — like not just that person, relationship, or dream is lost, but all is lost. In this poem, Rumi reminds us that it is in these very moments of grief that we begin to understand who we are. The loss can shake our foundation, cracking the shell of our ego, which makes our understanding of the world and our place in it open to interpretation. Through the pain and through the sorrow, we begin to understand what it takes for us to feel at peace, to feel complete, to feel like we can once again walk the earth with a sense of connection to it, instead of in a perpetual state of skepticism and distant observation. Rumi reminds us that the natural flow of life includes expansion and contraction, with everything constantly in motion. Coasting and flapping, opening and closing, ups and downs — that is what it takes to fly. Dave RadparvarCo-Founder, Holstee P.S. Does this poem look familiar? We quoted a line from it in our Resilience Guide this month. This powerful guide also explores the Japanese concept of kintsugi and how it helps us relate to our challenges, as well as positive psychology research from Martin Seligman that encourages connection to the defining moments in our lives. View the Print Art and Guide or the Digital Resilience Guide here →
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19 things to remember.
- Remember to dream big- Remember that it’s OK if life doesn’t go to plan- Remember that this moment is precious- Remember to not take yourself too seriously- Remember to say yes to adventure- Remember to value the things you have- Remember to value the relationships you have- Remember that life is challenging- Remember that challenges can be good- Remember that no one has it figured out- Remember that we are all in this together- Remember that you need to take responsibility for your actions- Remember that things are constantly changing- Remember that you can be a force that changes things- Remember to get out of your comfort zone- Remember to lead with love- Remember that even the haters need love- Remember that the world reflects back the vibes you put out- And always remember that you are enough -- We made a letterpress print of this list! Check it out!
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It’s never, and always, the right time.
“It isn’t a good week for a day off; things are bit too hectic.” “It’s too soon to tell her how I feel.” “It’s too late to ask for help.” It often feels like now is not the right time. But is it ever really? I notice this tension daily between the things I really want to devote my energy to versus the things that pull at my attention. Most recently, I encountered it while trying to build a new meditation habit. I had decided that it was important to me to carve out 20 minutes a day to sit quietly with my thoughts. Rationally it made sense — the science is there — and I was determined to make meditation a priority in my life. But day after day, once I got into the swing of my to-do list everything else felt higher in priority and definitely more urgent then sitting quietly for 20 minutes, even though I knew from experience that I could bring more energy and clarity to my work after even a short meditation. I saw this happening in other areas of my life as well. My wife and I recently planned a getaway for a few days. As it got closer, it just didn’t feel like the right time to get away — there was too much uncertainty, too much work, too many things that had to be done. With a non-refundable travel itinerary booked, we went despite my anxieties. And of course, the moment our train left the station and I started seeing the landscape pass by, I was reminded of the power of perspective and fresh energy that can come with distance. When it comes to things that are important but not urgent — taking time to recharge, having that conversation, reflecting on how you feel — it almost always feels like it’s not the “right time”. I’ve come to appreciate that there may never be a “right time” for many of the important things in life — and because of that, almost any time is. To making time for the important things, Dave RadparvarCo-Founder, Holstee P.S. Our goal with the Holstee Membership is to help you connect and reflect on what is important in your life through the lens of 12 mindful themes.
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Passionate about this chance to live.
A couple of weeks ago, we talked about how “Passion” can be a loaded word. This week, I want to share some wisdom from one of my favorite, if unexpected, modern philosophers — the rock star and writer Andrew W.K. In 2015, Andrew was asked, “How do you figure out what your passion is?” by a reader of his popular column in The Village Voice. Andrew’s response struck a chord with me. It centered on the idea of living fully and allowing space for our passions to reveal themselves in the process. “One’s true purpose in life is not always something that can be decided upon, discovered through personal introspection, or encountered while following one’s tastes and preferences. It sometimes seems to be brought out by some sort of universal need: A person suddenly finds him- or herself called upon to do something extremely important, and instantly, everything surges in that direction.” He continues (and here is my favorite part): “The greatest work is the tireless effort to understand and be worthy of one’s life. When it comes to everything else, just give yourself a break. Work to make yourself as strong, and as good, and as available to the world as you can, so that when destiny calls, you’ll be ready, willing, and able to answer it. Be passionate about having this chance to live, and everything else will reveal itself to you at the perfect time.” To being open to what reveals itself, Dave RadparvarCo-Founder, Holstee P.S. This is one of a handful of our favorite articles around this month’s theme of Passion. Members can check out the full list of Curated Resources for more on Passion from great thinkers like Paul Graham, Simon Sinek, and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. P.P.S. You may remember I referenced Andrew W.K. in a past Reflection when sharing some of his wisdom on not getting homesick.
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A holy moment.
“This moment, it's holy. But we walk around like it's not holy. We walk around like there are some holy moments and there are all the other moments that are not holy … but this moment is holy, right?” This quote comes from a conversation in Waking Life, a 2001 animated film that takes us in and out of surreal conversations, raising deep questions about our dreams and reality while blurring the lines between them. I rewatched the movie over the weekend and love this scene, as well as so much of the movie. It reminds me just how incredible every waking moment is. In our day-to-day lives, it’s easy to forget and even easier to take for granted the magic of right now — magical in the sense that so many unlikely, incomprehensible events had to transpire in this universe to make this very moment possible. Even the sad moments, the stressful moments, the mundane moments — these are of course magical too, but rarely feel that way in the moment. Then there are the moments where you can definitely feel the magic. Like the moment I made my newborn daughter, Mala, smile for the first time. I will never forget that unbelievable sense of wonder and connection. It is a gift to appreciate the magic of what’s happening right now. What is one magical memory that you have from this year? Mike RadparvarCo-Founder, Holstee P.S. This question is just one of 100+ thought-provoking questions and conversation starters in our new Reflection Cards, which are perfect for sparking meaningful conversations with friends, family, and coworkers. There are less than 60 hours left, pre-order a deck on Kickstarter!
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We have everything we need to start.
I was just rewatching one of my favorite TED Talks from the renowned social psychologist, author, and professor Sherry Turkle. About six minutes in, Turkle brings up a recurring conversation she has: “When I ask people "What's wrong with having a conversation?" People say, "I'll tell you what's wrong with having a conversation. It takes place in real time and you can't control what you're going to say." So that's the bottom line. Texting, email, posting, all of these things let us present the self as we want to be. We get to edit, and that means we get to delete, and that means we get to retouch, the face, the voice, the flesh, the body —not too little, not too much, just right.” In other words, the digital age has put us in a situation where we are constantly polishing our communication. Now, it can feel intimidating or even thoughtless to share in an authentic, in-the-moment, vulnerable way. We are shrinking who we are to fit a text box — a figurative and literal character-limit — and at the same time, removing the chance for genuine face-to-face interaction. This is a problem. The bonds we build in our relationships with others bring meaning, purpose, and a deep sense of kinship into our lives. Beyond that, they can help us better understand ourselves. Turkle continues: “...We use conversations with each other to learn how to have conversations with ourselves. So a flight from conversation can really matter because it can compromise our capacity for self-reflection.” The challenge is, it can be hard to have those deep, meaningful conversations, especially in an age of so much screen time. It’s hard to make the time, it’s hard to open up, and it’s hard to know what to ask. We are hoping our new Reflection Cards (now on Kickstarter!) help spark more of those dialogues. Today, more than ever, we need to find time to foster deep human connection, and one of the most enjoyable ways to do that is by simply listening and sharing the stories that make us who we are. As Turkle concludes in her talk: “We have everything we need to start. We have each other.” To the magical moments of connection ahead, Dave RadparvarCo-Founder, Holstee P.S. In our Reflections post titled: 'A great conversation.' a few months back — Mike recalled a wonderful interview by Krista Tippett with John O’Donohue. If you missed it and others — consider signing up to get 30 days of the best past Reflections. Sign up here →
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Fail, learn, and improve quickly.
“The key is to fail, learn, and improve quickly. If you’re constantly learning and improving, your evolutionary process will be ascending. Do it poorly, it will be descending. So I believe evolving is life’s greatest accomplishment and its greatest award.” ― Ray Dalio For several weeks now, I have been keeping a notebook of mistakes — or as I am starting to view them, life lessons. In each of these entries, I identify the outcome, the root cause and what I would do differently if faced with the same situation in the future. The log is a combination of professional and personal missteps, which I would benefit from not repeating. This process was inspired by the book Principles by Ray Dalio. Business books rarely make it into my queue, but this one stuck out to me. Ray has lived a remarkably reflective life while building an incredibly strong business, and he attributes this success to principles he’s learned along the way. In the book, he goes into great depth on his own principles but also encourages readers to challenge them and write their own, based on their unique experiences. One of his principles particularly resonated with me: "Pain + Reflection = Progress" It’s way too easy to sweep challenging moments under the rug, rather than acknowledge them, understand how they came to be, and learn how to navigate them in the future. When viewed in this way, painful moments become opportunities, or as he calls them, "potential improvements that are screaming at you.” Most people, myself included, don’t really enjoy shining a light on our own weaknesses. But after just a few weeks of this practice, I am beginning to find myself feeling incredibly fulfilled and better prepared for future potential missteps. Give it a try: 1. Write down one challenge you had last week.2. What did you learn from going through it?3. How would you approach it differently if it happened all over again today? Checking in regularly, asking tough questions, and growing with the answers is a big reason we think the Holstee Membership is so important. It’s not easy to make time to reflect on our thoughts and experiences — but it brings so much more meaning, clarity, and perspective to life. Wishing you many moments of growth, Mike RadparvarCo-Founder, Holstee P.S. Speaking of reflecting, in just one week we will be launching our newest product, the Holstee Reflection Cards, on Kickstarter! Learn more and sign up to be notified for early-bird pricing →
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